The Inner Critic Battle

The Buddha says there are two arrows. The first one is the natural expression of aggression, greed or craving. The second arrow is the self-aversion for the first arrow. I call the second arrow our inner critic or a dopey little voice in my head that holds me back. In life it is difficult to control the first arrow however the second arrow is a choice we all have. The choice is available through practise and repetition; there is no shortcut.

My dopey little voice is Eeyore from the Winnie the Poo book series. It goes like this, when I get disappointed or things don’t work out I hear Eeyore saying “I don’t think your good enough” and I bet all of my friends are smarter than me” and “oh you will probably come second anyway maybe I should give up now ”…very ho hum.

Why do we shoot the second arrow? Why all this continual blame and shame?

What I know is our inner critic is always there. Sometimes it’s hibernating which is good. Sometimes it is itching to have its back scratched.

I have coached enough people to know the inner critic does not discriminate depending on your social or financial status, wealthy or poor, black or white.

I have witnessed highly successful women flailing when they are extremely capable and accomplished. A lifesaving skill is to learn to “buddy up” with your inner critic by recognising and interacting with it. It’s not hard. Think about it, it is already talking to you! So talk back! There is only one rule do not yell. Talk, ask questions, dispute and counteract the things it has to say. But do not yell. Here is a way forward:

1. Accept your inner critic – Pretending you don’t have one or its not there only makes you less effective unable to communicate in a way that is most meaningful. Deal with it and you will lessen your anxiety otherwise you will be working over the top of it and when you are communicating with others they will feel something is not quite right. They won’t necessarily say anything but they will sense it, like something is not “gelling” and they can’t quite put their finger on it. Your Eeyore, tiger or any other animal you wish to call it, is a part of you and once upon a time did a good job protecting you from harm’s way. It will be with you forever in some capacity. Recognise it as the little one outside of yourself, one that you choose not take direction from. Like taming a tiger, it can run wild, only if you let it.

2. Expect the little tiger to come – Get ready to journal. When you know you are going to be under pressure be ready for your inner critic to roar! Why do you think actors warm up? It is to deal with our little animals, so they do not jump out on stage and take the limelight. Get your tiger thoughts out onto the page. Don’t let them fester around in your head. Julia Cameron’s has some great insights about writing in her book “Walking in this World.” She talks about the value of writing and getting thoughts out onto the page versus onto another person.

Writing provides a private sounding board and one where you can understand exactly what you are thinking. Wow! Do I really think that about myself? You probably don’t and yes you have been hijacked by your inner critic. Writing gives you an opportunity to challenge the thoughts that seem to be real for you in the moment. Many of us do not write with pen in hand because we now have computers. The computer is no substitute for pen to paper. Writing slows down your thinking allowing your brain and heart to get in sync. This will give you time to reflect and connect to the ideas and thoughts into an order that makes sense for you.

3. Be an actor and create a character – Turn your inner critic into an imaginative character. Your imagination is a source of strength that you can draw on. Use your imagination with the aim of developing a character and forming a picture in your mind’s eye. See your inner critic as a smaller and less capable version of yourself and one who only wants to stop you from being in harm’s way. For example you could see it as a little munchkin with a squeaky little voice and big ears! Crazy stuff! Make yourself laugh. Go on!

Start digging by asking questions. Dig. Dig. Dig. How old are you? What is your name? Are you from a movie or a book? What country are you from? (The more you can see it outside of yourself the more you will be able to quieten it down). Why are you doing this? What do you fear? What are you promising? (I bet you get some interesting answers from that one, you will probably find it promising to keep you exactly where you are safe and sound on the couch or in your current job versus getting you to take any sort of emotional risk). Don’t be deterred by your inner critic’s nonchalant response. Keep asking questions so you can flesh out what it looks like and what your inner critic wants from you. The more you understand your inner critic’s motivations, the more you will understand what’s going on with that part of yourself.

4. Love your inner critic don’t roar back! Try to soften your protective coating and love more. Be more acknowledging than critical. No one thrives on criticism. We receive bucket loads of criticism so don’t give yourself any more. Everyone knows tigers can kill. Rest assured if you yell it will win. Be sweet and real nice, acknowledge it. Thank your inner critic and speak with loving kindness in a way that you would like to be spoken to. Be a forgiving person, after all, its intention is honourable and it only wants to keep you safe and sound. Let your inner critic know you are ‘OK’ and can cope with the perceived problem and then go and do what you have to do.

5. Tell someone – When my inner critic jumped up and took center stage last week I called a dear friend and said “hey my inner critic is real loud today and I am wrestling around with it like a snake in the grass”. This I understand is not always easy. Speak to someone you trust or call your coach for that matter. If you don’t have someone you can speak with honestly then I advise you share this article with a friend and begin opening up this very important conversation. Don’t bottle it up. That will slow you down. Most likely you will find they feel the same way.

Learn to develop some tools to support you to maintain balance and authenticity. The key lies in greater acceptance and tolerance for the parts of ourselves that sometimes we find distasteful.

If you would like to learn more on how to navigate your inner critic whilst building your career please contact me.

Warm regards

Jayne